“Tug!”

I’d only just stepped through the door when the my friends’ chorus greeted me. They’d already commandeered the table in the back, just like always, so I headed that way. Chuck gave me a nod and smile from behind the bar, so I nodded back. I couldn’t return the smile.

I had my coat off by the time I’d reached the table and draped it around Lucy’s chair before sliding into the booth side next to my love, Ginny. She greeted me with a hug, but the anguish in my face made her cut it short. She gently stroked my face with both hands and kissed me on the lips.

“What’s wrong, babe?”

Everyone else had already gone back to their conversations. Dale said something about the guy at the bar buying a round for everyone, it being Christmas Eve and all. But I didn’t pay him much attention. I took a sip of Ginny’s bourbon.

“I’ve been thinking about this shopper I helped out earlier this week,” I told her. “I think I may have helped him kill himself.”

All the conversations ended then and they all turned to me. Ginny hugged me again and Lucy patted my shoulder.

“What are you talking about?” Ginny asked.

I looked over at Chuck, raising my hand to get his attention. He nodded again. I just sat there until he’d brought the beer.

“Could you go ahead and bring me another? This one won’t last long.”

I drank half of it in what seemed to be a single gulp, set the mug back on the table and wiped the foam from my beard with my arm. What did I care? I was still wearing my Lowe’s work shirt. It needed to be washed anyway.

“Babe, what’s going on?”

“Well, the other day, this guy comes in…” I began.

I went through that day from the time I’d arrived for my shift and saw this dude sitting in the parking lot to when I saw him looking at the garden hoses a couple hours later to finally figuring out what he was up to.

He didn’t spark much attention from me at first. I hadn’t remembered the part about him sitting in the parking lot until earlier that day. I was taking my lunch and watching the TV in the break room when the news anchor began a story about depression during the holidays. He immediately sprang to mind and the more I thought about him the more details came back to me.

The guy was definitely nervous, I could tell that immediately. Of course, I didn’t know why until I started to answer his questions. Then it began to make sense. I mean, why would a guy buy a garden hose in the middle of December in this climate. Florida or California maybe, but not here in Kentucky. In seeking my help he let slip what he planned to do with that hose. He wanted to kill himself.

Instead of trying to talk him out of it, I began to help him. See, I had tried the same thing a couple years earlier. I had my reasons and they led me to that decision. Then Ginny entered the picture. She was so unlike me – no tattoos, no piercings aside from her ears and a normal hair cut. At the time, I couldn’t have told you what she possibly found interesting about me, but she did. Because of that, I was there, sitting with my love and our friends, celebrating the season before we all split off for family visits the next day.

Thinking of Ginny at lunch, I thought more about that guy. Why was I so quick to help him with his plan? Why didn’t I work harder to actually help him? I knew what it was like and what it could be like, that it got better, but I didn’t tell him that. I explained how to make sure there was no seepage in the joint when connecting two hoses, how to insulate the room so no fumes could escape into the rest of the apartment and ruin his belongings.

“I really think I helped him kill himself.”

By then, some tears had welled up in my eyes. Ginny reached up and wiped away the first one that escaped.

“Wow, you really thought about doing that yourself?” Dennis asked.

“Yeah. But then I met Ginny.”

She smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

Angie reached over and put her hand on mine. “We’re glad you did. We’re so glad you’re here.”

That is what I should have told the kid about. The love, the friends, the good times that awaited him if he could hang in a little longer.

“I really think tonight would be the night would do it,” I said, not sure why. “But I have no idea who he was or how to reach him. He was very careful to keep his personal info private.”

“You can’t blame yourself,” Dale said. “The only thing you can do is hope he came to his senses, or that something intervened.”

“I don’t believe in miracles,” I said.

“That doesn’t mean they don’t happen, love.” Ginny grabbed my arm and laid her head against my shoulder.

We went on with our celebration then, nearly helped Chuck close the place down. I bought the lonely guy at the bar a drink before we left. He was kind enough to get us one, so why not?

That night as I lay in bed thinking about that shopper, I hoped he was still alive. I decided then that I’d try to find him. I’d show him what he was missing.

I mean, we certainly had room for another friend. I’m sure he would, too.